Confessions

I watch these and cry, cry for all I was and what I am now.
I made so many promises, so many broken now.

On the ground, 

Scattered all around. 

Knees to the ground, 

Tears never-ending; flowing to the floor. 

Through the eyes, the windows of my soul. 

From my heart, pointed and ready to shoot a pistol. 

I cry, cry with these tears,
Every single fallen teardrop across my cheeks sears. 

I have fallen, fallen so far. 

What ever happened to that ever so high par? 

Never have I spoken against these hypocrites that multiply by numbers, that walk all around sucking away sincerity and good-will in exchange for their own selfish desires, dragging many down to their levels of abyss. Where light does not pierce.

I warn you now, this shall not be about a bright redeeming redemption, a lost unrequited love. With words, I shall by all my power let my mind and heart speak as I pour all that I have kept. Listen to the plea that is my heart's deepest secrets and insecurities. I fear not the judging eyes, for I am alive. You may draw breath, eat, and make a mockery of love whatever you call your needy passion of physicality. 

That song, these people I am around. Makes me realise I am a fool, sinking like another tool to the deepest depths of a forgotten well. A well of self-pity and self-destructive torment. These words I shall speak, speak more truth then I ever have to anyone. That is living. 

I have seen the bottom of that well, I have drowned and died. I have sank to that bottom, and taken the illicit tasting chemicals produced by the lifeless and soulless to only lead those who are already lost and misguided even more astray. I am a hypocrite that speaks against that short-escape produced in small pills and powders, yet I took that escape. Yes, I took it all. I know it all, I lied in the faces of those who love me, and I hope who still will. I know the pull of all this dastardly things. I am alive, but only so much so. 

Every blunt was accompanied by the pink stuff

But Goddamn he loved that feelin'

Purple rain coated in the throat

Just so healin'

Medicine alleviate the sickness

Liquid affix and it comes with a cost

Wake up, cold sweat. Scratchin', Itchin' 

Trying to escape the skin that barely fit him.

Come on' stay with me now. 

I've seen death, the people that brought me into the abyss. It's like a dream that never happened, a memory that does not admit it was reality. A nightmare that materialized into the depths of a young boy's mind. They're all dead, dead in the ground with only God judgin' them now with all that's past. Leaving me behind, to scrape this living. 

His eyelids closed shut,
Sat back in that chair clutchin' that cup

I'll value all that life, for I have seen the process of how some lost these lives. I fear to speak, I fear to be judged, I fear like no other for I know, lesser the experiences I have faced Hercules would stand there in tears to see my own trials. To see someone die, to lose your saviour. 

He never got up, he never got up,
We live on the cusp of death thinkin' that it won't be us

It won't be us, It won't be us, It won't be us

Nah, it won't be us.

Run, run away from the realization that you're the one we sing, we rap, we rhyme, we write, we cry, we muse about. We're all the the soon-to-be do'er, the soon to be person who falls. We are the our own failures, the people we say we'd never be. 

And "weeds not a drug" - that's denial. 

Here's what it starts. The need to escape, to run from this world where we have gone blind to the light, to the good. To the emotion of others. We run, run. 

I've seen oxycotton take three lives

We grow numb, numb to ourselves. Our soul, our heart. We want to feel again, even if it's pain and suffering the screaming of what you were once was. Look in a mirror, those sunken eyes is your 'sight' revealing how blind you truly are. 

I've seen cocaine bring out the demons inside

Then finally, you find yourself over this. The final escape, where you finally reach the bottom of the well. Drowning in the numb tears of your soul, your tattered heart, and screaming essence of life. Through that small tunnel you use and abuse that holds all materialistic value, it sucks up and gives not life and escape but death and never-ending suffering. 

Stealin' and takin' anything to fix the pieces inside

Broken, hopeless, headed nowhere

Come on, keep up. We're nearly done. Hope you're proud, hope you're satisfied seeing what is to have fallen. What else would you like for me to divulge, to break again and remake only to be broken and crippled. 

That rush, that drug, that dope

Those pills, that crumb, that roach

Thinkin' I would never do that, not that drug

and growing up nobody ever does

Until your stuck, lookin' in the mirror like I can't believe what I've become

Swore i was goin' to be someone

And growing up everyone always does

We sell our dreams and our potential

To escape through that buzz

How long has it been? Since I've been alive. Since I chose life over death. The path of the constantly suffering, compared to the path of the easy way out. The cowardly, the selfish way out. Death by one's own decision. Never again will I sink that low.

Letting the demons take the reins, 

Letting the judgmental eyes cut through, 

Letting the anger well-up in my veins, 

Letting those words; "I blew-"

No.
Fighting through the fake smiles, 

Standing on your own ground, 

Fighting through the sea of lies, 

Standing up, instead of being drowned.

I am alive today, for those demons I have fought and destroyed.
The victims through this long life-time war, my innocence and naivety to the world.
These eyes are tired, seeing the wrong win amongst the right.

Thus why I stand.

Thus why I fight.
Thus why I smile.

Thus why I persever. 

Throughout it all, I am breathing. 

Tattered and tired.
But hey. I finally see the light at the top of that well I have fallen so deeply in.  

Without the weight of any of these burdens no longer.
I am clean, my own person.
Unhappy with life.
But happy I fight for my happiness.